I came up with this title in November. It’s four months later and I can now articulate what I was how I feeling at the time.
This was a doozy to work through. FYI.
Nothing was moving forward. I’m not even sure if I was moving in a circle. I was just kind stuck. With everything. The funny thing is I recently have realized that the things that I used to bitch about I couldn’t anymore. So had I actually come to peace with what habitually has been driving me up a wall for 37 years? Had all the hard work, horrid mirror gazing and self analyzing really paid off?
I started breaking it down subject by subject and yes, I’ve come “full circle”. I’m not mad at my family anymore. Over the past few years, I reconnected with my mothers family despite all the past transgression, found my elusive fathers family and got some answers. I have sought out these parts of me in an attempt to make a whole. I see clearly now that I am both my parents child.
I have accepted my mother for all of her faults and short comings. I have realized that she too is a woman just trying to make her way in the world. A woman who started having children when she was still one herself. That she did the best she knows how and that under all the bullshit she really does love me. I learned that she is a beautiful, intelligent, loved, strong survivor. That the world can be a tragic place. That you hold the key to making it beautiful again.
My father is another story. A lengthy one at that. A man troubled from the get go. A man with a huge heart. A man with an innocence about him. An innocence that must be protected at all costs. I know this because I inherited it. I know now he didn’t abandon me. He abandoned himself. At least this is my take on it. I never did meet my father. It’s one of my few regrets. I will always wish for that one conversation. I will always keep my list of questions close to my heart. My opinion may change over time, I may get a few more of the answers I seek. But at least now I’m mostly at peace with how things played out.
Am I fully happy? No.
Will I ever be? I hope so.
Am I going to stop searching for what I need? No.
But I’m thrilled that I’m at a point where I can feel my past. That I’m at a point where it’s not so painful that I feel like I have a typoon in my head.
I’m thrilled that I’m making progress.
– Originally posted to Blogspot on 3/22/15 –
– Title posted on 11/15/14 – I think that the fact that this title sat over a blank post body for months was pretty indicative of my mental state at the time.