“Are you sure there was penetration?”
This was the question starting the brief conversation that tore my world in two as I lay there staring out the kitschy fake window that my doctors wife had painted on the wall in every examination room.
After that the rest is a blur.
I think I sat in my car for an hour sobbing, not giving a shit about what folks passing by thought and when I finally looked up, the color of that day was off.
I felt like a changeling. Like someone had swapped my reality with something sinister and heart-wrenching. I felt like I was staring down the barrel of a gun.
Sitting here 8 years later I can spring back to that day like walking through a door.
It’s still that raw.
When that day bubbles to the surface I push it down with all I have. Many miles have been run to squelch it. Music has been up so loud that I felt the beat in my heart as it chased the pain back to where it belonged. I may have drank too much and I may have lashed out too much. That day has made me ugly at times, a warrior at others. That day is one of a handful that have defined me and that is why I’ve decided to share my story.
We start IVF this month and as of now we have decided this will be our only go.
We actually started this last October. At the initial appointment he couldn’t find my ovaries and said that I had some pretty big “masses” in my abdomen.
Then came the “most times we find that these are just fibroids and not cancerous but we want to make sure”.
Queue the MRI.
Queue the huge fibroids.
Queue the horse sized shots of Lupron to attempt to shrink them so the surgery wouldn’t be as invasive.
Yep, major surgery and there went our year. When I found out that I needed surgery it was bitter pill to swallow since we were freshly off of having to heal emotionally from a blow dealt to us the previous year.
But we got through it and honestly, I’m happy it has happened the way it did. Those fibroids were not good and would have done me no good in the long run. Most likely they would have led to a hysterectomy and since I would like to use/keep my uterus this was a silver lining.
Plus I didn’t realize just how much they were affecting me until they were gone. I dropped two sizes, I’m not as tired, I don’t have excruciating crampy pain when I exercise and above all else it is so nice to not constantly be on the lookout for a bathroom.
Next week I start the estrogen pills and will take those until I start my October cycle. If I’m cleared at that point the fun really begins.
I can’t believe that we are here, standing in a place that I never thought we’d be in. I know that it’s going to be a lot like falling down the rabbit hole and I know that I’m going to have to pull from the bottom of my soul to get through it but I’m pretty tenacious and what’s two weeks of crazy in the grand scheme of things if it may give you something you know has been missing?
Like I said earlier, I have decided I want to share our round of IVF for a few reasons.
First, writing is a really good stress reliever for me.
Second, I know that the few blogs I have read, the Instagram accounts I follow and a few friends who have been through it and chose to be open with me have really motivated me to look beyond the fear and go for it. At my lowest points I have read their words and received their support and it has pulled me through. Why wouldn’t I want to return the favor? Even if it only reaches one person?
Third, and most importantly, there is nothing wrong with you if there is an issue with your fertility. You are not defective and you are not a lesser human. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples experience infertility? I understand and respect that many people choose to not be vocal about their journey for any number of reasons. Even I pick and choose what I share. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see a world where if a person chooses to speak about their fertility they not be met with fear but embraced for the hardship that this disease brings. Because that’s what it is, a disease no matter what the insurance companies say.
Infertility is an all-encompassing pain in the ass but it doesn’t have to also be a lonely pain in the ass.
As I was sitting down to write this morning, in classic Meadow style, the headphones went on and this Tom Petty song was the first song up on the playlist.
Of course it is.
And so, this is where I start….